Catholic church broken arrow ok

i feel it’s a common theme on this subreddit where a lot of the people were raised religious so they have some sort of religious trauma and that’s what led them to atheism. i wasn’t raised religious at all. i was baptized catholic but my parents did it for the gifts and because it was an expectation in our family. honestly i think both my parents are way too unstable to ever participate in religion (not that unstable people don’t get involved with religion, i’m aware they do, but knowing my parents they could never commit to being religious if they tried. most of my grandparents are secular though while just “identifying” as catholic because they have their whole lives. i never went to church, wasn’t taught anything about christianity as a kid, etc.
but here’s a twist- my maternal grandmother was always catholic but was never too extreme about it. however in the past 20 years (i’m 20 years old) she’s gotten involved with some non-denominational church and she’s been pushing it more and more in the past 2 to 3 years, whereas before she would just leave people alone. i will say the church doesn’t seem too bad, it’s pretty mainstream, but still, it’s incredibly annoying how much she pushes both my mom and i to go when we clearly stated we’re not going

In one day it will be the 3rd anniversary of the death of my wife. I lost my wife to Ewing's Sarcoma in 2020.
The time immediately after when she passed was hell, but it was totally manageable, in part, I have discovered because I was locked into survival mode. I had been in survival mode for years. I had been entirely neglecting myself, totally focused on keeping her alive and keeping the kids going. Everything I did was focused on her well being, and keeping the house running. I lived for her comfort and happiness, sacrificing my own needs. I was numb to everything, as bad as things were they were manageable because I was keeping the plates spinning. Her passing was both horrific and a relief. Don't get me wrong, I re-live those moments constantly. Watching her last breaths come shuddering out of her body, the way her eyes came open at the end like she was looking for me. She was under palliative sedation, she did not see me, I hope that she did not know I was there, I would prefer she passed with no further pain, her goodbyes were said. Mostly they were, I never got the goodbye I needed. But I got four extra years and a lot of memories, both good and bad.
After she passed I was cold, iced up. Nothing was getting through to me. I was incapable of feeling much of anything. I grieved, but I never really felt it. I had a couple of relationships, none of which really amounted to anything, just spending time. I moved my kids back to their home town, bought a new house and started to get comfortable with the fact that I would be this way forever.
About a year ago I met my SO. When she kissed me the first time it was like my soul melted. It was the most connected I have ever been. Entirely life changing. In Novemeber she moved in, in March we moved to a bigger city and have started our new life together. We are engaged. I love her the way only a widow can, I know I will lose her eventually, or she will lose me, I know it only ends in pain, but I am doing it again.
What is strange is that this anniversary is hitting harder then the last two. I am actually more broken up then when she passed. My therapist says that it is because I am no longer in survival mode. My Psyche has decided that I have the bandwith to proccess the loss and the feelings now. I am simultaniously as happy as I have ever been and greiving harder then I ever have. It comes in waves, it started as a bad feeling over the May long weekend like something was about to happen. When we got back from our camping trip the memories came.
That Tuesday was the day that we called the Dr. because she was becoming very bloated with fluid. On their reccomendation we called the paramedics and they took her to the Hospital. Two days later she was in the Hospice ward, on Sunday the 31 she triggered MAID, the nurses came to see her that morning to verify that she was capable of making the decision for her self. That afternoon we snuck the boys in all 3 of them seperately to say goodbye. I took them home afterwards to be with them. That evening when I got back to the hospital she was so delrious I don't think that she knew I was in the room. The doctor who would also have to approve her for MAID was unable to because she was no longer capable of making a decision. I wish I could have made that decision for her, to give her what she wanted. I never got my good bye. I know she loved me. That evening the Hospice Dr asked if I would like to pallitively sedate her. She was in so much pain I agreed. I sat with her and held her hand for 3 days. Telling her I loved her and watching shitty television. Why did I feel the need to fill the time? If I could go back I would have just talked to her the whole time. But I ran out of stuff to say. I remember just telling her about what I was watching on tv. On the 3rd, her breathing changed, she started taking really deep breaths. Eventually she exhaled one last shuttering breath, her eyes came open a little and she stopped breathing. I sat there for an hour talking to her, telling her it was alright, I would take care of the boys. I love you, you can go, we are ok. And then I packed up her stuff and left.
I go over this again and again, what I should have done differently, how could I have done this better. It has changed me entirely. There is not a day that goes by that I do not tell my partner that I am greatful for her and that I love her. My wife will always be with me, her memories. I will always be the person that she helped to create. The boys will always be her babies. She has not been replaced.
I am always struggling with this feeling that I am in it alone, that I will be alone. Logically I know it is not true. It just seems like anytime things are truely hard I am alone. I don't know what that says about me. My therapist thinks that it is because I am human and I just need someone to lean on and to reach out to. Life was simpler when I was in survival mode, nothing could touch me. Sleep, eat, work, repeat. That was not living though, it sucks that you have to hurt more to feel better. The residual loss of self from focusing on keeping someone else alive and healthy for so long. I did stuff because I had to. But it left me this empty husk of who I was, and now I have to try and fill it with things I need, likes, interests and desires. For so long I was totally focused on her, my default is to do the same with my partner, but its unsustainable. So I get to relearn to be me again, and its so hard. How do you not do everything that needs to be done around the house? How do you not get angry at yourself for letting something slip, for causing more work for yourself later? How do you live with the fact that things happen, and the last time you said good bye to your love could be the last time? I am learning. And I am also learning to lean on others, to ask for help and accept it.
Am I better off then I was last year at this time? I hurt more, I am happier, I am starting to live again. If you are out there somewhere love, if you can read this, or see us. Know that we love you still, we miss you, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. But we have this, we are going to survive, and live and thrive!

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The day had slid by Aya like so much water off of a duck’s back. It took a particularly hard prod by Frare to dislodge her from a slurry of inattentiveness. As she looked around she realised the barricades had been almost completely disassembled, with only scraps remaining on the church floor. The pieces of broken glass and masonry were being carted outside by the villagers that remained.
Currently there was a lukewarm debate around the command table, dragged to the centre of the hall. Aya’s consciousness glossed over Sorore reprimanding her brother for bothering her, as well as the various arguments over logistics and provisions. She half-heartedly listened to discussions of various threats on various roads, and then quickly forgot about it.
Without really realising it, she found herself peaking at the parchments spread over the table. The lined scrolls held no real meaning for her, but the centre map with its pins certainly did. It was a large and fairly extensive map of the continent, with various cities illustrated with flowing script too elaborate for her to read. Slowly her eyes flitted from north to south, and found the curl of a mountain range bleeding into a peninsula where she assumed Karkos was.
“What about here?” she said, pointing to the location through the greaves of the captains before her.
Most turned to look with amused confusion, and she quickly felt a flush creeping up her neck.
“It’s a city,” she said.
The officers continued to look at her, awaiting elaboration.
“Y-you could get food there,” she offered weekly.
She almost added ‘I’ve heard the food is quite good’, though fortunately for her dignity the phrase died on her lips before it could enter the world. Naia, almost directly across from her, looked down and stroked his beard.
“It’s far from the worst option,” he said, “in fact, it’s probably one of the better ones.”
“It charges an arm and a leg, just for the usage of one ship. The cost of transporting all of us will be steep,” one soldier protested.
“The mountains are blocked off with the Alonshaze destroyed. None of the other passes can be reliably quickly traversed, even in summer,” Naia countered, “going the land route right now would be asking for trouble. The flatlands at the base of the Alonshaze have always been unstable, but ever since Ein’elen broke up it-”
“Sharaloch would be another option,” spoke up Damafelce, without much enthusiasm.
“You want to bet on a city of pirates and mercenaries for transport?” exclaimed another captain.
“Unwise, especially with such valuable persons,” Naia said, “we’ve already had enough headaches. The last thing I need is a hostage situation while sailing the strait.”
“You get what you pay for in Karkos,” yet another captain offered, with general murmurs of assent, “though with what gold we have I-”
“The gold’s not the issue,” said Naia, “if necessary, we can issue bonds in the name of Angorrah, or the paladins can in the name of the church.”
Niche, glum and surly, still nodded at the implied question.
“The general would not be happy. You know how possessive they get over money on a mission,” said Damafelce.
“We’ve been attacked multiple times, crossed half the continent, and found a long lost bequeathed, all with about a hundred men,” snorted Naia, “with all due respect to my betters, they can take their complaints and shove them-”
“If we’re going by speed and stability, Karkos is the best way,” cut in Niche through the laughter of the soldiers, “the safety of the Bequeathed should be our top priority. A good ship will get us there in under a week.”
“A ship to Espala, then Inalthia. Draskar forest is a nightmare at any time of the year,” Naia said, leaning over the map. With a subtle motion, he moved Aya’s finger northwest, and she realised with horror that she’d been pointing to the wrong end of the peninsula where some lesser settlement stood.
“Captain Deckard, I assume those that don’t want to come for pilgrimage will be returning to the fort?” he continued without giving any sign that she’d done anything wrong.
A new man, eyes blazing underneath furry dark brows nodded fervently.
“Well, I suppose we’ll have to clear out. I want everyone ready by sunset - it’ll be just under a week before we reach Karkos. Get what sleep you can - we’ll be riding out the next morning.”
There were a few finer points of debate that were bandied back and forth, but the conversation largely seemed to be settled. Niche and Damafelce both seemed to be locked in a staring match as Naia approached her.
“A good suggestion, my lady,” he said, “it’s been a long time since I’ve been in the city, but it might be just the place after this string of close calls.”
Aya tried to take what credit she could with a burning face.
“Now, there’s one other piece of business I have to attend to, I think,” he said, “where is the mage?”
“He’s on the roof,” she blurted, “I can show you.”
“No,” he said, holding up a gauntlet, “I think we’ll be just fine by ourselves. You should go and rest. It’s been a long night.”
He and Damafelce walked away from the table and vanished through the side door. Aya returned back to the altar with Niche, who was muttering some unkind things under his breath. It wasn’t more than a half hour before Naia returned with his captain, looking troubled. Before she could ask any questions, however, he quickly exited through the front of the church.
The rest of the day was largely spent on routines of amusement, the Bequeathed and the children of the village playing little games and telling stories among each other. The paladins, though they kept an eagle eye upon their charges, were not in a talkative mood that day. Lillian’s face was particularly dark, and she often muttered things that no one cared to listen to.
When evening came, any residual fears of the monsters returning were put to rest. The icy fear was no more, the villagers placed back what intact pews there were, and the flow of people from the medical bay slowed to a trickle. A simple meal, and a dreamless sleep, and Aya awoke in the early hours of the morning. Pulling herself up to one of the broken windows, she could see the summer green of the trees, their vibrancy somewhat damped by a light blue-grey fog.
Before they left, a service was held to bury those who’d been slain. The dead were laid side by side, wrapped in simple drab cloth, in a large pit just outside the doors of the church. Niche stood over the graves, eyes shut, pronouncings the blessing and peace that these brave defenders would lie with. Aya took the time to say a silent thanks as she gazed at the cloth-bound bodies.
As the remains were covered with soil, Niche shifted into a louder, older language as he sang in a husky tenor. Some kind of funeral liturgy, she guessed, though it was unfamiliar to her. The villagers cast tears into the ground with clouds of earth as they passed along the pit, then they left for the wall and the village beyond.
Aya’s concerns as she reentered the church shifted to more material things - hunger, cold, the lack of bathing over the last few days. At least some of those needs were addressed by the paladins in the next hours, with furs and food. But soon enough, they were on horses, walking in a line down to the south over open fields before the forest.
The first morning passed with very little conversation between anyone as they passed underneath the trees. That was all the better for Aya, who found herself enjoying the crisp air and the rapidly warming sunlight. It did take a bit of a turn for sorrow when she remembered that she often swam with her mother on mornings like these in the mountain lakes. Still, she was determined to extract what happiness she could on such a wretched journey. It was a resiliency that Frare seemed to share, while his sister still glanced nervously at the trees around them. Aya wondered if the girl was still seeing the creatures from last night in every shadow.
When they reached a clearing around midday, the children were made to sit before Niche as he handed out various meagre components of meals. As they began to eat, Lillian joined him, and both cleared their throats in unison.
“Right,” Niche began, “I realise the last few days have been less than smooth. Hardly a time for lessons, unfortunately.”
His dry chuckle was not reciprocated by any of the listeners, so he quickly moved on.
“But, given the nature of what happened, I think it’s advisable to speak on magic and mages, and what the scripture says about them.”
Frare, at the word ‘scripture’ audible groaned, which was followed by a hiss as his sister seized his ear.
“We have been forced into a position where we needed the help of a mage,” Niche said, picking his words with care, “it was not something we did willingly. It wasn’t a choice, but rather the product of circumstances beyond our control.”
You mean, the commander overruled you, thought Aya, though she elected not to voice such thoughts.
“If we had another choice,” Lillian chimed in, “we would’ve taken it. Survival, however, takes precedence, especially for you three. The choices were made, we might not be proud of it, but we’re all still here and that’s what matters.”
“That being said,” Niche said, fumbling in the interior of his breastplate and withdrawing a small booklet, “it would be good for you to understand what exactly underlies our choices.”
Aya’s eyes flicked over to the twins - Sorore was sitting upright and attentive, while her brother was a glum and slumped mirror. Niche thumbed through a few pages, focused in on the one he’d selected and once more, cleared his throat.
“And thus it was found, a great conspiracy, conspired against the children of Angorrah, conspired with creatures both great and small, but terrible all, in darkness and stagnant pools, where the profundity of their sin would go unnoticed by the decent and pious. Hated and proclaimed sinner, traitor, rebel against the Lost themselves. Three Boons would be taken, and three Houses be condemned to dust.”
Sorore perked up, for she clearly already knew the story and was excited to hear it yet again. Aya waited with a tempered anticipation, hoping at least there would be a half-way interesting tale, despite its lacklustre delivery. The story progressed into a broad parable, describing how three houses arose in rebellion against the church, and how three holy items had been robbed from the sepulchre of the ‘roiling cathedral’.
Apparently, they were ferried into the hands of mages, who perverted their holy functions until they burned the most sacred tree on the continent, one laid by Nafthtazia herself. For all of Aya’s doubts about the moral, she couldn’t deny the enjoyment of a good piece of history.
“Magic exists beyond the purview of the church,” Niche began, then quickly corrected his error, “rather, it is a part of the mystery of the Lost, but others can access in inappropriate ways. Some speculate that it should be left entirely to the Lost, not handled by mortal hands. Regardless, the church has taken upon a sacred duty, to ensure that what magic is used is done so sparingly, and with the utmost care.”
He closed the book with a flourish, clearly pleased at the depth of his instruction. Frare’s eyes were fluttering, which prompted a painful poke from his sister.
“So, magic is evil?” said Aya, trying to square that conclusion with all she’d seen.
Niche puffed out his chest, no doubt about to exclaim that it was in the strongest possible terms. Lillian however, had her own thoughts to add before he could.
“Not… inherently,” she said, “But it is broadly forbidden and for good reason. It is less evil, rather a great risk for evil. That is, far too easy to put it towards evil ends. That’s why mages are, as a rule, cruel, selfish, and dangerous creatures. Perhaps it is better put that magic attracts evil, even if it can be used for good.”
Aya stewed in that statement for a while - clearly the church was deeply knowledgeable, expanding and attending to her own, meagre education on the matter from the local priest. Still there were holes, obvious holes, or so she told herself.
“It might be hard to understand,” Niche said, “it might seem a little strange that the church forbids something that could be so useful. There are very good reasons both in scripture and in history that proves the point - magic is not to be used with abandon, and thus must remain under the Church’s eye.”
He patted the sigil of the church, engraved on his breastplate.
“That is one reason why the Light Lords were created in the first place,” he said, with thinly veiled pride, “we are the watchers, investigating the use of magic and capturing the perpetrator that would harm or cheat with it.”
“It was a decision made long ago,” added Lillian, “it was a sort of… half-agreement between the church and the army. We kept the peace that was broken by the mages during the Night of the Burning Tree.”
“So there are mages in Angorrah?” said Aya, drawing a strange, near insulted look by Sorore at the question.
“Well…” said Lillian, sharing a look with Niche, “a handful at most, who operate under the strictest scrutiny.”
Sorore’s face twisted at this, but whatever comment she would’ve liked to make stayed in her head.
“The point is that mages are faithless and concerned for themselves above all else. They are to be engaged on only the most necessary basis. They may be directed towards good in service to the church, but never on their own.”
The rest of the lesson served as constant reinforcements and examples of the danger of mages. There were one or two arguments between Frare and their teachers that Sorore was too slow to suppress. Before long they were off again, the leaves shaking above them as a wind blew from the south. The evening camp mercifully spared them another lecture and after a simple dinner, both twins made their excuses and retired.
Aya huddled beside the fire as the temperature dropped. Around them were a circle of waggons, some covered by a framework of canvas, others bare, all loaded with supplies. The gifts of the grateful villagers, granted to the commander who had saved them.
The paladins were busy doing maintenance, carefully laying out arms and armour, scrubbing, polishing and sharpening. Aya got up, murmured a good night to the paladins, who nodded curtly. They were so absorbed that they didn’t seem to notice Aya slipping away.
She poked her head into one of the ‘empty’ waggons, scanning the darkness for any sign of movement. Save for a handful of small crates, there lay the crumpled form of the mage just as they’d loaded him. Aya felt her breath still as she looked at Inniaylsia’s amber eyes. Even from this distance, she could see the subtle inner flames of reds and yellows softly illuminating them.
“Yes?” came the voice of the older woman, curt and snappish.
Aya started to speak, then stopped, realising that she had no real reason to be here, at least not one that she’d thought out.
“Come out with it child,” came the voice again.
Aya was put in mind of a line of children, heads bowed before a grandmother picking detritus from their scalps.
“I- I-” she said, “I was wondering if…”
“No. There’s been no change in this old bag of bones,” said Innie, her voice softening slightly, “though I’m sure he would appreciate your concern.”
Aya stood there for a moment, awkwardness rising, before setting her jaw, looking behind her, and upon seeing the paladin’s backs, clambered in as quietly as possible. The cat sat attentively and silently, regarding the young girl before her. Aya began in a hushed whisper, talking about the Night of the Burning Tree and the lessons of the paladins from the morning.
“If you want to ask a question about history,” interrupted the cat, “you best ask this sod when he wakes up. He proves irritatingly well-versed on that. Considering his age, he might've lived through it.”
“I thought you were old as well,” Aya said, trying to remember where she got the notion from.
“I am. Older than him. Old as half the company put together,” she said, “but I rarely venture outside of the forest. This is the furthest south I have been in decades, perhaps a century or two.”
Aya paused to try and get a grasp on the scale of time the creature had just casually gestured at.
“So my dear, if you’re going to ask me about the great deeds of men or the history of cities, I’m afraid you’re out of luck,” said the cat, tail bobbing this way and that.
“But that’s not exactly what I…” said Aya, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I wanted to ask about magic.”
The cat cocked its head, the speed of the tail picking up.
“What about magic, child?” she said.
Swish-swish.
“Well, I was wondering, just for a start, what is it?” Aya said.
“You should sit down,” said the cat, “this might take a while.”
[←Chapter 53] [Cover Art] [My Links] [Index] [Discord] [Subreddit] [Chapter 55→]

In Iceland, it is generally economically prosperous and crime is very very low. Most of the population is registered with the state Lutheran Church, but don’t actually attend or have religious beliefs. Only 3% are Catholic nominally. I believe it is also supposed to be one of the happiest countries.
If following the Church and it’s teaching should lead to the full flourishing of the human person, why is there such prosperity in some regions which lack the Church and don’t follow its teachings?

We’ve been married for 17 years. It has been a tough tough journey. In the beginning, I was a bit immature. Also didn’t try my best to find work, but she stuck by me and even supported us in those first 2 years. I was going to university at the time, and thought that I would land that perfect job. So I was stupid to think if I hold out a little longer, the company I wanted to go to would hire me. I had won a few awards, and was full of myself.
She was the bread winner, and I sometimes helped her at her work. We were innocent, naive, and simple. However we did fight like all young couples, and she did threaten to leave me, though she never did. As I promise to change. Thinking back, I’ve been trying to change for her since that time…
Then I got a call from my dad. He was dying, and only had less than 2 years. He helped pay for all of my educational shenanigans. And being the eldest, it was my duty to take care of him. My dad lived in another country, so my wife and I packed up and relocated.
It was hard for us both. It was a really really hard for her. I got my act together, and had to support her and dad. We spent all our savings on flight and logistics and with barely any money, and working odd hours. It was stressful, but we tried our best to make it pleasant. She made some friends from church, I managed to enroll her to a local university to learn the local language while I worked.
It slowly got better, as she began to form her social circles. Here friends from university, tend to be married into rich and affluent families. Soon she complained about not having name brand bags that cost a whole months worth of salary. We fought and bickered. She tells me, why I would always say no to buying things for her, especially when other husbands would just say ok to their wives.
Eventually I landed a better paying job that paid double the previous. I even introduced her into the company, and she was even hired as a sales assistant. It was very cool, and I was happy we got to go to work together, and leave work together. The extra money really helped the situation more. It was hard work, but it felt good to make money. It felt good to treat her as she deserved to be treated.
Then my dad died. We cremated him, and I don’t remember much, but she was there with me. I really appreciated her being there. Not long after, my mom move in, and things got a bit worse. My wife complained about money, apartment, the way I communicated with her, my mother, etc. To be fair, all those things were valid points for complaint, but very unnecessary. Through thick and thin, I said to myself. It was just very hard to not to get her angry. I believe she threatened divorce again. I had to ask my mom to move out.
Then we made up and had our first child and second child. Continue to argue. She fights and blows up over the smallest things. Lectures me , the kids for hours if we didn’t do as she said. Then she stared withholding intimacy. It had happened before, but not to the extent and frequency as it has been. Compounded by all the fighting and her cussing me out. I became tired, vengeful, and e started chatting to some women from dating apps. Eventually went on a few dates and sexual encounters.
But the guilt was too much. I confessed to my wife. We almost broke up, but she accepted my apology. Since then, when ever she was angry with me, the words she used became more vindictive and hurtful. I don’t say anything, because of my infidelity. My biggest mistakes to look elsewhere for comfort and sexual gratification. I regret it so much.
I have been sleeping on the couch, off and on, for the last 3 years ;70% of the time. She is angry all the time. So I just tip toe and try to a paid confrontation. It’s terrible. I now ham recovering from a serious health condition, due to multiple surgeries. She threatened to divorce, which my kids have heard on numerous occasions. I feel so bad for my kids, having to experience so much fighting.
Finally, last week. We got into an argument about why I was upset at the restaurant. She was telling my kids off in public for chatting and being kids. Then when finally home, she said she wanted divorce. I finally gave in. During the last 7 days, I talked to my children, and told them about what wrong I had done. I told them it was my fault. I told them both mom and I love them always. It was my mistake, and my responsibility alone.
Today, she hands me the papers which she had signed last week. Tells me I owe her money. She’s not my house keeper. We have loans under my name, and she expect me to take a loan out and pay her with it. She wanted to take both my kids, but one wanted to stay with me. She was furious. I was called many things again. I tell her we can sell the car. I giver her a few months of my saved salary.
I don’t know what to do. I’m just sad our family is broken up because of my mistakes, my infidelity. My kids will need to grow up far apart. My kids are heartbroken I told them it’s daddy’s fault. And I am so so sorry.
I got 2 weeks to borrow more money. I gotta pay for their airfare, living expenses, etc. The previous loan she insisted on for Bitcoin and crypto, did not translate into anything. If I don’t, I truly think I won’t see my youngest child again.
Any advise greatly welcomed.

Title is pretty self explanatory. I have been with my ex bf for 2 years. When we first met it was like we were never strangers. We both connected in a way we had never connected with anyone else. We both fell hard and fast. I made him wait 6 months to ask me out because i had just gotten out of a two and half year relationship a month before i met him. I was scared to be with him at first, but i couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with him.
Our relationship was close to perfect. We never fought. If we did have a disagreement we had a healthy discussion about it. It was the first healthy relationship i ever had. We had pretty similar childhoods, we never had anyone who was able to understand that. I’m usually the kind of person that can only hang out with someone for a day or two, but that didn’t apply to him. We loved hanging out with each other. He always wanted to be around me and i always wanted to be around him. I have over 10 handwritten love letters from him. I’ve never been able to envision a future with another man and not feel weird about it. I was ready to commit to him forever.
I’m august 2022, i got back from a weeklong trip and we were insperable. He wanted to be around me constantly, and i wanted to be around him. We started a habit of hanging out at least 5 days a week. It never seemed like a problem. We never got annoyed with each other and we loved just being in each others presence even if we were interacting with each other.
In January, i noticed he started to withdrawal a bit. He seemed careless, stressed with everything he had going on, he didn’t want to have sex ever, and he stopped giving me affection and saying nice things to me. During this time i also let him put $900 worth of court fees on my credit card so he wouldn’t have to pay it outright. He continues to withdrawal throughout February and i was losing my patience with him.
In March he breaks up with me for the first time. He says it’s his mental health and he’s too stressed and he can’t give me what i want and he’s not the same person i met in 2021. It sounded like self loathing and hatred so i fought for him. We got back together a day later. 2 weeks later i randomly go through his phone and see a bunch of girls on his Snapchat. I flipped out and broke up with him again. I messaged all the girls except 1, they all said he just hit them up once and never again after that. We were broken up for 3 weeks at this point. Around the end of March he started texting me again saying he missed me and wanted to make things work. He said he texted those girls for validation cause he was feeling insecure. I believed him and forgave him.
We got back together for the entire month of April. I thought things were going good in the first two weeks. Then on the 3rd week he gets a phone call from another girl at 1am. He swore they just talked when we were broken up and he told her to not contact him again and blocked me in front of me. It made me nervous but i didn’t think it was that serious. I i only saw him twice after that cause he started pulling away again. He said he felt like i was never going to trust him and things are better this way. We broke it off again at the beginning of may
I blocked him on everything but about two weeks ago i broke and i texted him. He called me and told me all the right things and that he’s sorry and he misses me and we got back together again. Things were going really well. I told him my boundaries with other girls and he agreed. Yesterday morning i randomly decided to go through his phone. I just wanted to confirm he was acting right. Everything looked good but i found a girls contact open in the contact app. We had a discussion about this and he said he needs space and time to think. I left and decided to text the girl on my phone.
Long story short, this girl tells me they were talking all the way from November until the end of March. When i was passed out drunk in his bed ok New Year’s Eve, he had a 2 hour phone call with her. She showed me the text messages on Valentine’s Day and he was telling her she looked so sexy at work and he couldn’t keep his hands off her. He was sexting her the night i had a car follow me into my neighborhood and i was scared to be home alone. He didn’t invite me over and he didn’t care that i was scared. The day after he sexted her was the first time we broke up. A week later he bluffed on our plans to hangout twice in two days because he was texting her instead. He had sex with her two days after we broke up for the second time. He was texting her saying he can’t control himself around her.
I’m so lost and confused. I feel unlovable. I feel like i chased him away. I’m so angry. I kept fighting for our relationship the past 3 months because i thought he was just having mental health issues. I wanted to show him he had someone there for him who would love him no matter what. I helped him out so much. I thought he was so different and not like other guys. I would have never suspected him of cheating on me on this way. I don’t understand why he couldn’t tell me from the first breakup there was someone else. I wouldn’t have fought for him like that if i knew the truth. I’ve begged him for the truth so many times and he just keeps lying to me. I knew deep down inside from his behavior this had something to do with other girls, but he kept lying and telling me it’s his mental health. I feel so fucking stupid. I feel like none of our relationship was real. I don’t know what the fuck just happened. I’m so angry that all the times i begged him for affection, he couldn’t give it to me because he was giving it to her. I hate myself so much. I don’t know how to move on from this? Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel so broken right now.

Dear Professor Peterson,
I realize that your schedule probably won’t allow you to read this letter, least to reply. I am not expecting either of these and will not be offended. Why do I write it, then? Well, most probably because in the past several years you have been for me the voice of reason from abroad. Too many things are going in a crazy and disastrous direction, and listening to your lectures and videos have been very inspiring. It always amazes me how deeply you investigate the problem and how thoroughly you analyze it. In many cases listening to what you say have been like hearing what I always felt was true, but could not formulate and justify it myself. Thank you for that experience.
During the past year, which not only attracted the whole world’s attention to a conflict in Ukraine (at last, I’d say, war started there in 2014), but also demonstrated the unwillingness of countries and people to hear each other, I felt the growing urge to share Russian understanding of current situation and of the events that lead to it with someone who could probably be able to hear. Your name was the first to come to my mind. I hesitated until some time ago I came across the interview that you have recorded – “Israel, Russia, China, Iran: The World in Conflict” and it actually triggered me into writing. It occurred to me that, objective as you are, you may be unaware of some facts and interpretations, partly because modern media have mastered the art of being silent about some facts while shouting about the others, partly because you were born and raised in Anglo-Saxon civilization, with all embedded ideas and principles.
A bit about my background. Master’s degree in English language and literature, spent one year as a student in Connecticut, worked in American-owned companies for 17 years. That allows me to a certain degree to understand both sets of values.
I wanted to offer for your attention the view from the other side on what’s happening now between Russia and Western European civilization. I don't say that it is correct, I just say how Russians see it.
Very briefly, just point by point:

• Currently many people in the West are speaking about Russia as about a threat. But what makes you think that we see you differently? We see you as a growing threat. We don’t trust you. And we have plenty of reason for feeling this way.
• We see the West is regularly breaking its own rules and demonstrating double standards, so we can’t rely on its words.
• It has been clearly shown to us, that we will never be accepted by the West as an equal partner, so to us the West is neither a friend, nor a partner, but a competitor at best, an enemy at worst.
• We have seen what the West does to regimes that don’t obey and how the West does it, so West is a serious threat. Don’t come any closer.

3 basic principles of western foreign policy
Looking at the international events of past 30-40 years, we may see 3 basic principles of international policy that the West is utilizing.

1. Democracy is the best possible society model.

Hard to argue – there is the strongest correlation between availability of human rights in society and its prosperity. Let’s accept it as it is, although it is much more complicated and there are other factors that should be taken into account, like, for example:

• Pure democracy is limited to small communities, and is impossible in big countries. Once a certain threshold is passed, democracy is either a burden to every decision made, or is executed via representatives. And representatives, being people with all their imperfections, gradually start spoiling and corrupting the idea.
• Democracy tends to evolve, or, I’d rather say, degrade into oligarchy. Examples are numerous. Ancient Greece and Rome, Novgorod Republic (XII-XV cc), medieval Poland, etc. Even now – with all our experience, we keep hitting the same wall. Legal practice of lobbying in USA is the desire of big money (oligarchs) to have more influence on country policy. In Russia lobbying is illegal, so the same goal is achieved by other means, but without digging deep into details, it is the same – democratic form of power, spoiled by natural human desire to grab more for oneself on the expense of others.
• The most prosperous regions now (North America, Western Europe, Scandinavia, New Zealand, Australia) are the ones where capitalism appeared and developed earlier than in other parts of the world. That boosted production, country strength and wealth and eventually allowed them to have colonies in other parts of the world. Owning some overseas land gave enormous economic advantages. Remember “British East India Company”, which at its peak of wealth had an army of 160 thousand soldiers (more than some counties had!). The importance of having colonies can be best illustrated by the simple fact – one of the core reasons of the WW I was the desire of Germany, who was late to the table, to have its share of a pie. And even though political power of metropolises over colonies seized in mid-XXth century, economic bounds stayed much longer. If, let’s say, a uranium mine in Uganda belongs to French company, then which country benefits more from it? And to what extent the modern wealth of Europe and North America is due to other parts of the world?
• I doubt that democracy and human rights priority are possible in every country of the world. This idea just occurred to me, so I did not dig deep into finding the proof, but mentality (to put it narrower – religion) could prevent the society from accepting ideas that are just natural for another society. There are some facts I immediately recall that support this idea.

a) Majority of Noble prize winners are from protestant countries. Disproportional majority if you look at country population or wealth or other factors. Why? Maybe because Protestantism urges its followers to read the Bible on their own, whereas in Catholicism you study Bible under the priest’s guidance. Encouragement for independent research must have some effect.
b) After the ancient Rome fell, and Europe lived through the Dark Ages, Arabian countries preserved much of knowledge and science. At that time Arabian East was much more cultural and civilized than Europe. What happened to them later, why they stopped developing science, how could Europe overtake them? One of the explanations is that at some point of time Muslim theologians declared that “Koran has everything”, so scientific research stopped. The legend says that under this slogan the Library of Alexandria has been burnt by Arabian conquerors.
c) There is an interesting correlation between the agricultural conditions in a certain territory and some national traits of character. That’s more than a coincidence. For example, wheat was the main crop in Europe. It doesn’t require any special irrigation, so you can well grow and harvest it alone. That means you are less dependent on other people. Hence smaller states (Germany before mid-XIX century consisted of dozens independent states), hence more independent opinions. Compare it to China. Rice requires serious irrigation works, you’ll never do it alone. In order to harvest rice, you need to organize a fairly large group of people to do a job together. And as the population grows, you need to perform those works at a larger scale, also because the easiest-to-work fields are already busy. As a result, we see that Chinese value the society more than they value an individual. A single person sacrificing his wishes for the good of the others is more acceptable for them than for Europeans.
This idea needs further thinking but it is quite possible that the liberalism and human rights developed in Western Europe to the extent we see due to a unique combination of religion, natural conditions and other factors. And it can’t be copied in other parts of the world. It can be brought to other parts of the world by immigration of people with European mentality, of course. But otherwise it can be done only by complete mentality change of local inhabitants. Not an easy task, could take generations and mean death of local culture.

1. All people are seeking freedom and democracy, so it is our duty to help them achieve this goal. If some part of the society resists this help, it is the tyrannical part and it should be eliminated.

Yeah, really. Take up the White Man's burden… This idea is not dead yet, with all its prejudices.
In some part such understanding is based on the theory that appeared in history (history as a science!) in the UK in 18th century. This theory states that the process of human society development over time is a) linear and b) goes through the same stages in every society of the planet. One of the consequences of this theory was the statement that every society started from matriarchate – researchers came across some primitive society, ruled by women, and made their conclusion. This theory has long been proved wrong, but its influence is still alive.
Even if we accept that all countries, all societies are aiming at maximizing human rights, how justified will interference be? Good intentions are the pathway to hell. How long it took Anglo-Saxon civilization to reach modern state of human rights? Setting the Magna Carts as the starting point, it is a bit over 800 years, roughly 30 generations. Looking at the world history, we see how slowly societies change their organizational forms, evolving one into another. And you can’t forcefully speed it up. Imagine that our modern “crusaders of democracy” take time machine and show up at Hastings early in the morning on October 14th, 1066. “William, Harold, there is no need to fight. You need to run democratic elections, and everything will be ok…” Will they even understand the idea??? And what will happen the next day after they are left alone?
You have shown significant interest in Russian culture. If you care spending some more time on Russian books, I’d recommend you brothers Strugatsky (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arkady_and_Boris_Strugatsky). The form of what they have written is science fiction, but the contents is all about ethics, morale, responsibility, conscience. Try «Escape Attempt», «Hard to be a God», «Overburdened with Evil».
Why I am mentioning them now is because among others they are exploring the topic of “progressors” – people from Earth of XXII century who try to speed up the history of other planets, to solve their problems, stop wars, etc. And it doesn’t end well. As one of their heroes says, “You can’t break up the natural course of history without breaking the spine of humanity.”
It’s hard to find examples of good revolutions when they are initiated from abroad. Change of regime should be supported by majority within the country – it is the guarantee that society is ready for it. What Anglo-Saxons and NATO frequently do is supporting the angry minority in its aspirations for power. And instead of peace, freedom and prosperity it brings chaos. The classic example is Libya. Over 10 years ago the country was “spared of Gaddafi’s tyrannical rule”… How do they live now? The GDP is still around 50% of what it used to be, the country is still not at peace, there are two major forces each claiming to be the legal power. How many lives it did cost already and how much time it will take free Libya to recover? Can such liberation be called anything but a disservice? In Russia we call it “bear’s help”. I don’t say that everything was good in the country when Gaddafi was alive, but aren’t they in the worse situation now?
The whole series of Arabian spring looks like a great mess, not a great success. I rely on the opinion of an expert – below is the brief translation of an article published in 2015-2016 by Mordechai Kedar, an Israeli scholar of Arab culture and a lecturer at Bar-Ilan University. I can’t find the original, unfortunately.
December 2015 was the fifth anniversary of the events known as an ‘Arabian spring’. The world applauded the heroes of the streets in Tunis, Egypt, Libya, Syria, Yemen, Bahrain. Now, five years ago, those countries are still battlefields, with no light ahead. What problems have prevented them from positive development? Most of them have developed over centuries and they still prevail in mentality, remaining the dangerous rudiment.

1. Tribalism*, that was always a survival factor in harsh natural conditions of the region. Now the conditions are different but mentality is still the same, when each person thinks of himself as a member of the clan first (family, tribe, tape, whatever…), not the citizen of the country.*
2. Violence*. Resources are scarce, so anyone who is not the member of my clan, is a deadly threat. And the first reaction to a threat is violence.*
3. Honour*, understood very specifically. Dishonoured person will seek revenge. It is not uncommon for a person to kill members of his own family if they dishonoured him. Honour is of primary importance in relations between countries and nations, sometimes more important than economics and healthcare.*
4. Nepotism*, which has its roots in tribalism. Promoting your relatives to administrative positions is illegal in the West, but is part of normal practice in the East.*
5. Corruption*. An office holder will invest in projects and regions where his tribe and supporters live, not otherwise. He feels financially responsible to his family, not to the country.*
6. Multiple ethnic groups*, which protect their own languages and traditions. Marriages outside of a group are rare, coexistence with other groups is tense and hostile.*
7. Islam*. Islamic extremists are sure that people who believe otherwise, are deserved to be killed.*
8. Sunnites vs*.* shiites*. This conflict started back in 7th century as a conflict for control over Islam. Non-Islamic people see them analogous to Catholicism vs. Orthodox church, but in reality now, after centuries of religious wars, these are two separate religions, and the dialogue between them is very difficult.*
9. Predominant culture*. Three main groups are Bedouins who live in deserts, fellahs who are the peasants, and inhabitants of the cities. Each group thinks stereotypically of other two, cross-marriages are rare.*
10. Country borders*. British, French and Italian administration have been drawn the borders straight, just by a ruler and a pencil, paying no attention to the real borders between various groups which differ by religion and ethnicity. People who never thought about themselves as about having anything in common, are now the citizens of one country. And they don’t feel it this way.*
11. Power change*. This is something which never happens peacefully in Arabic countries. The ethnic or religious group at power holds to it by all means.*
12. Israel*. Arabs and Muslims don’t acknowledge Judaism as a live religion, Jewish people as a people. So for them the very existence of Israel is illegal. Plus Israel is very convenient as an external enemy, a good target for the aggression of the masses.*
13. Oil has turned the countries of the Gulf into societies which don’t produce, but do consume without limits. The difference between wealth of the Gulf and poverty of other Arabian countries is shocking.
14. West that interferes into the region to solve its own problems. Oil, gas, weapons – all is targeted to use natural resources of Middle East.
15. Al Jazeera as a catalyst of social and religious unrest.

Throughout the XX-th century Europe tries to solve myriads of cultural problems of the Middle East, trying to create modern Arabic states that will fit Europe’s needs. The brightest example of Western misunderstanding of the East is the belief that Middle east can easily adopt democracy. Western democracy is based on western culture with equality of religious and social groups, minority rights, freedom of speech and opinions. Add to it religious freedom and free elections and you will get the list that is absolutely alien to Middle East.
Here’s an article by the same author on the same topic – https://fathomjournal.org/why-we-keep-getting-the-middle-east-wrong/
Here’s an interview with him – https://chicagopolicyreview.org/2015/07/28/americans-still-dont-understand-the-middle-east-this-man-wants-to-help/
In one of your interviews you discussed the competition between China and the US for influence in Africa. And your opinion was that China wins due to corruption of local elites. Let me offer another reason for your consideration. It is the same reason that allows Russia to gain influence in Middle East, Africa, South America. When China or Russia come to some country to cooperate, they come to cooperate, not to teach, not to judge, not to interfere into the internal affairs of the state. And people appreciate this.

1. We have the right to decide who is democratic and who is not.

This one is undoubtedly wrong. As a psychologist, you can diagnose it, I guess. What will you call such mental blindness, when a person considers himself flawless and assumes the right to judge and punish others, like in “The House of Pride” by Jack London. And here we see a group of countries that consider themselves the best in the world, that judge other countries and feel it righteous to interfere into their life, to change it without being asked. I understand why leaders of these countries have that blindness, but I wonder how many people in these countries actually understand that it is not a radiant crusade for democracy, but a destructive raid of Normans.
De furore Normannorum libera nos, Domine.
One of the principles of democracy is separation of three powers – legislative, judicial and executive. So why then countries that consider themselves “leaders of democratic world” forget about this principle in international relations. They make the rules, they judge and they punish.
One of American diplomats said recently that USA supports international rules-based order. Sounds good, sounds undoubtedly right. But why USA and NATO forget about the rules when it is convenient? Or is it “We support international rules-based order, but our own actions should not be limited by these rules”? What immediately comes to my mind without web search:

• Kosovo, 1999. Civil war or genocide or whatever it may be called. How it should have been handled according to the rules? UN Security Council makes the decision, ‘blue helmets’ move in and stop the hot phase of the conflict. How it was done? NATO forces moved in without UNSC mandate. Forget the rules.
• Iraq, 2003. USA and its allies invaded Iraq based on false claims that Saddam had mass destruction weapons. The Center for Public Integrity stated that the Bush administration made a total of 935 false statements between 2001 and 2003 about Iraq's alleged threat to the United States. International lies-based order?

Double standards
Speaking more about the rules… We are tired of seeing double standards. As an illustration, I will use just one aspect – the principle of integrity of the state vs the principle of the right of nations to self-determination. It looks like the West supports integrity of the state, when this state is allied or friendly to the West, and supports nation’s self-determination when the state is not. Let’s go through some examples.
- Chechnya (an autonomous republic within Soviet Union) wanted to become independent after 1991. It quickly started to use terrorism to achieve this goal. It took a lot of effort to stop the war and bring the region back to safety. Reaction of the West – support of chechens, their leader fled to London and was not deported to Russia despite all requests.
- Abkhazia (an autonomous republic within Georgian republic which was part of Soviet Union) wanted to become independent from Georgia when Georgia became independent from Russia. Resulted in a war. The conflict is still not solved. Abkhazia now is an independent state which is acknowledged by very few countries in the world. Reaction of the West – they still consider Abkhazia as a rebellious part of Georgia. Same situation about South Osetia – another region, that was an administrative part of Georgia until 1991 and that also seeks independence.
- Donetsk and Lugansk wanted to become independent from Ukraine after 2014 coup. Ukraine tried to subdue them by force and failed. Then the workplan has been signed in Minsk – what the parties of the conflict agree to do to settle. The result should have been – Donetsk and Lugansk return to Ukraine but have extended political rights, etc. Ukraine did nothing of its promises. Reaction of the West – support of Ukraine.
- Catalonia is seeking independence. And I remember that leaders of independence movement have been under political and criminal pressure.
- Scotland had a referendum about independence. And even though results were in favour of the UK, I remember how nervously London reacted.
Russia – NATO relations after 1991
This is best said by Vladimir Pozner, a journalist who spent years of his work in the USA, Russia, Europe and is one of the most known journalists of the old school (comparing to modern propagandists). Here’s the link to his speech in Yale University on September 27, 2018 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X7Ng75e5gQ&t=2556s.
His speech takes around forty minutes, the rest is the Q&A. To save you time, I’d summarize it here in just a couple of phrases. After Soviet Union collapsed, there was an illusion that we aren’t enemies anymore, that the world is open now, and that we will be partners or even friends. Russia dismissed the Warsaw Treaty union and agreed for Germany to unite, that looked just right – why keep a military union when we aren’t enemies anymore? Sometime later Russia made an offer to join NATO to provide world security together and was denied. Russia offered to join the EU, and was denied. Russia was promised that NATO would not expand eastward and less than 10 years later this promise was broken. Since then, we’ve been witnessing NATO getting closer and closer to our borders, inviting countries that are our neighbours and aggressively supporting those candidates to country leadership in East Europe who declared anti-Russia views. So now the illusion is over. We are enemies. And what’s worse – we don’t trust US anymore, so negotiating some new principles of coexistence will be problematic.
Ukraine.
Briefly about history, in more details about recent times and present situation.
In 16-17th century the territory of modern Ukraine was controlled by two forces with no clear border between them. Northwest (where the city of Lvov is now) was under Polish rule, center and the region along river Dnepr – under control of “kazak military democracies” – gatherings of all people, who fled from Russia, Poland, Lithuania, Crimea and who with time formed Ukrainians as a nation. They were ruled by elected chieftains and made their living largely by either joining some military campaign for money and loot, or by robbery raids to Poland, Crimea, Turkey. They were allied to Russia due to same religion – Orthodox Christianity.
As Poland grew stronger, its pressure on the territory grew, which led to periodic rebellions. Poland is a Catholic state, and people of Orthodox Ukraine were severely oppressed. Seeking protection, Ukrainian chieftains asked Russia to include those territories into Russian state. First request came in 1591. Russia rejected this request and several others. Only in 1654 part of Ukraine, controlled by kazaks, was included into Russia. Consequences – war with Poland and tens of thousands orthodox people fleeing from Polish-controlled lands into Russian-controlled lands.
From then on Russians and Ukrainians were really ‘brother nations’. Well, it was not heaven, but it was the best available option. Same religion, very close language and mentality. And forget about oppression. Ukrainians were oppressed as much as Russians themselves.
When the WW I started, Germany and Austria-Hungary were looking for collaborators in occupied territories of Russian Empire. They promised independence to nationalists in Western Ukraine, and found people who bought the idea. Not surprisingly, the most dedicated nationalists came from the least developed region of the country. Ukraine did not become independent at that moment, but the ideas stayed and gave their fruit during WW II, when Ukrainian collaborators actively participated in Nazis’ crimes. In one of your videos you described what Unit 731 of Japanese army was doing and you warned your listeners that they will never forget it. If you will find and read witnesses’ accounts of Volhynia massacre, you will never forget it either. I read it once long ago and I never want to read it again. It was a shock to me that people are capable of such things.
In the period between 1945 and 1991 Ukraine had the same rights as any other republic. There were no impediments to preserving and developing local culture. If you lived in any republic, you learned two languages – Russian and local. National literature was actively translated into other national languages of the Soviet Union, there were no impediments to education. Soviet Union with all its flaws, really tried to unite all of its nations into one big family. (What surprises me though is why antisemitism remained. You could come from Georgia, Uzbekistan or Yakutia and pass exams to Moscow university, no problem if you are smart enough. But it could be problematic for a Jew…)
After 1991 Russia and Ukraine remained friendly states, tightly bound by economic, cultural and even family ties. Ukraine tried to get the most out of relations both with Russia and with the West and it worked fairly well for 30 years. But with time attempts to elevate significance of their own nation led Ukrainians down a dangerous path. They started to slowly eliminate all other cultures that were present in the country. This process sped up dramatically in 2014, when after a coup the nationalist forces gained influence on the government.
Official Kiev denies being nationalistic, but don’t trust what the person is saying, see what he is doing.

• Open Kiev map and you will find two prospects – one named after Bandera, another after Shukhevich. Those two stand behind Volhynia massacre and numerous other crimes. Now they are heroes.
• During WW II Ukrainian nationalists were gathered by Nazis into the division “Galicia”. Collaborators and traitors, they did not show much on the battlefield, but were always victorious in the punitive raids against civilians. Now they are heroes.
• Ukraine is banning and denying Russian language and Russian culture. And it did not start last year. It started much earlier, when bit by bit Russian-speaking people had more and more difficulties teaching their children in Russian, buying books in Russian. It even shows itself historically – famous writers, artists, musicians, etc. of the past are proclaimed Ukrainians if they were born or lived on the territory of modern Ukraine. Aivazovskiy was Armenian by nation, lived in Crimea which was Russian at the time. Repin was Russian, Kuingi was Greek. Gogol and Bulgakov called themselves Russian and wrote in Russian. Shevchenko wrote in Russian, and now his books in Ukraine are translated from Russian.

I live in Moscow region, so all these processes for me were just an echo of a far-away thunder. My friends who lived in Crimea, Kiev, Donetsks, Kharkov many times said how difficult it was to live in a country that is so obsessed with its own magnificence that it becomes absurd. Massive renaming of streets, destruction of monuments that signified joint Russian-Ukrainian history, rewriting of history, when traitors and criminals become heroes, heroes become butchers. Anne, daughter to Yaroslav the Wise, wife to Henry I of France is known as Anne de Russie or Anne of Kiev. But now there are attempts to call her Anne of Ukraine, even though the very term Ukraine appeared at least a hundred years after she died.
We see those nationalistic ideas demonstrating themselves in a number of ways, and we have seen them before and we know what threat they can bring if left unattended. Pay attention to a dragon when it is small, you may be unable to win when it grows up.
I don’t say that our perception is correct, I just say how we see it. And to us modern Ukraine is like a younger brother who joined a bad company and who is becoming dangerous.
Now combine these two. Ukrainian nationalism plus NATO. Two threats, one well known historically, another the most dangerous rival of the past 70 years. We see them uniting and it is really an existential threat to us. In such circumstances could we afford being blind to it, just sitting and waiting what comes next? We tried to settle it peacefully. Many times Russia said that we are worried by NATO expansion, that we are worried by Western support of nationalistic movements in our neigbour countries. No effect. The last attempt was made in autumn of 2021, when Putin offered a negotiation that should have resulted in guaranteed safety. No reply.
If there is a conflict and your rival refuses to talk, he is asking for a fight. I don’t say that war in Ukraine is the right way to solve the conflict, but who can say that we did not try to set it by negotiations?

Did anyone GC their own repairemodel while dealing with insurance and can share tips? Or it’s a Nono? I have time as I’m currently not working and will be hiring trades.
We had a small-turned-moderate water leak a weeks ago and now need to do some work on the kitchen. As it’s from early 2000s, in average shape, and not one we like + need new counters as old one were removed and broken, we will just add some $$ and do what we want. Insurance was not very responsive first but at this point i have a good line of communication
The main issue are the GC. One promised he has a lot of experience dealing with insurance, getting money etc - no real movements for 2+ weeks. I had to do things myself to move the process. Another one sides more with the insurance on what to be done (vs what a few other folks suggested) and does not like ikea kitchens. Have another folk who is doing work for our friends and it takes forever. I’m ok with less payoff but faster process.
Open to ideas

In my parish, we don’t shake hands anymore during the “sign of peace”- I mean I would love to shake hands with everyone but I don’t think it’s socially acceptable anymore.
So now I just hit them with the ✌️. But, rn here I am lying in bed and a thought came to my head that what if the ✌️ peace sign has some distasteful history in the Catholic Church and due to my lack of education I’ve been horrifying everyone in mass with my✌️ during the sign of peace.
… so here I am asking the intellectuals of the Catholicism subreddit to teach me. Lol

This review, including photos from my games, originally appeared on my blog at: https://www.stuartellisgorman.com/blog/review-here-i-stand-by-ed-beach
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I first played Here I Stand five years ago at a time when I was far less familiar with wargames. In fact I had recently purged my small game collection of every wargame I owned but Here I Stand because I had given up on finding time and people to play them with. Despite this, in 2018 I made the effort of gathering six of my friends and spending the entire day playing Here I Stand. It was amazing. It took us over eight hours. In the end I emerged victorious as the French, securing an instant victory moments before the Ottomans won on VPs earned mostly through piracy. I spent the next 24 hours buzzing with excitement and exhaustion after that phenomenal day of gaming. I had to get it back to the table, I needed that experience again. Finally, a child, a pandemic, and five years later I managed to play it again and let me tell you, it was just as good the second time!
I finally managed to play Here I Stand again thanks to Chimera Con - a single day board game convention in Dublin dedicated to long multiplayer games. Unsurprisingly, Here I Stand is a perennial favourite and this year there were two tables of it running at the con. Instead of playing the full scenario which starts in 1517 and lasts for hours and hours, we were playing the tournament scenario which begins in 1532 and lasts for three game turns; turns four through six of the main scenario. I also wanted to change up my experience by playing one of the religious factions, since France had been pretty much pure military, and so I was assigned the Protestants. We played for the much more manageable time of just under five hours - still a long game, but short enough that many of us managed to play other games in the afternoon. Once again, after finishing the game I was buzzing with excitement and exhaustion for at least 24 hours. I may have only played two games of Here I Stand, but I’ve spent thirteen hours of my life playing those games and many more obsessing over it. I cannot imagine that my opinions will change substantially no matter how many more times I play it, and I have some thoughts I need to put down on (digital) paper.
SOME NECESSARY BACKGROUND
Here I Stand is a six-player card driven wargame about European conflict between the years 1517 and 1555. Each player controls one of six major powers: England, France, the Hapsburgs, the Ottoman Empire, the Papacy, or the Protestant Reformation. As befits a game with this many players covering such a wide topic, Here I stand is a game of substantial complexity. However, that complexity can be a little misleading. While the game as a whole is full of many different systems for modelling a range of potential actions, no player will interact with every one of these in a single game. The only person who really needs to know how every aspect of Here I Stand works is whoever has the onerous job of teaching the game to the rest of the table.
As an example, I was the Protestants in my most recent game. As the Protestants I had no access to ships, and thus I never needed to know how the several pages of naval rules worked. In contrast, my neighbour (both geographically in the game and at the table we were playing on), the Ottomans, needed to know the naval rules intimately but had no need to learn the rules for religious conflict, which made up most of my actions. Now, it is strategically beneficial to understand how each faction works so you can keep track of how they might be scoring points over the course of the game, but it is not necessary and that is a key distinction. You can play Here I Stand by only know about two-thirds of the rules, and that’s not nothing!
This asymmetry helps to keep the game manageable and is core to how it crafts an interesting experience. On their turn each player plays one card from their hand, either for the event or, more usually, for action points they can use during their turn. Each faction has a menu of actions they can spend points on but what options are available to an individual faction and, occasionally, the cost of those actions varies. This isn’t really where the game’s asymmetry comes in, though. These actions are the tools you use to play the game, but in most cases the game has just limited your actions to only those most relevant to your goals. To reuse a previous example, as the Protestant player I couldn’t build ships, but I also had no real motivation to want to do so, so removing this option was no great hindrance to me. How you win the game is where things get interesting.
The boring answer is that you generally win by getting victory points. However, how you get victory points can vary substantially between factions. All factions have some way to get VPs through controlling points on the board, but while most factions share a goal of fighting over key cities this is not universal. Beyond that, each faction generally has a way to earn their own VPs either through religious influence, building chateaus and cathedrals, having children, or piracy. Probably the most interesting element to Here I Stand’s victory conditions is how VP accumulation feels at the same time very slow and, occasionally, terrifyingly fast. This is a game where each VP can feel like a hard fought achievement but then at the same time in turn of my most recent game (a turn being approximately 5-7 card plays for each faction) the English player picked up like eight victory points, going from last to tied for first.
I could espouse at length about how this happens via the chaotic nature of conquest in Here I Stand and the occasional opportunities to seize a fistful of VPs that may come along only once per game, simultaneously lurching you ahead and putting a target on you, but I think describing the nitty gritty would be a disservice. What matters more is the excitement of it! Laying careful plans to slowly pull yourself ahead a few VPs at a time is great, particularly as you know that with the slow shifts in VP that the game allows it can be very hard to claw a leading player back down once you start pushing ahead. At the same time, if you are sitting near the back of the pack watching someone creep ahead you could potentially feel dispirited because you’re stuck behind, but all is not lost! Everyone’s focus being on the leading player could give you an opportunity to jump ahead by attacking a vulnerable point that someone forgot about! Here I Stand is not like the ever-popular multiplayer wargame COIN series in this regard. In my experience, a COIN game generally features players jockeying for the lead and then, as soon as someone gets too far ahead, everyone turning on them and pummeling them into submission. The goal in COIN is usually to be within striking distance of winning, but not actually winning, so that you can jump across that finish line at just the right moment.
Here I Stand absolutely has an element of players trying to keep an eye on who is in the lead and finding ways to pull them back, but it gives players nowhere near as many tools to do that with. For one thing, you can’t just attack players whenever you want – you have to have declared war on them at the start of that turn or have one of the very few cards in the game that let you declare war during a turn. If one player is creeping ahead it often falls to one or two of the other players to keep them in check, leaving the other three to plot how best to use this opportunity to secure their own fortunes. This means that more often than one player being dragged down a huge number of VPs, efforts will be put in place to curtail their advancement only for a new threat to emerge suddenly and distract the table anew. This dynamic is made possible thanks to the number of players and the limitations imposed, both mechanically and geographically, on each of those players. In both of my games one player managed to reach their victory threshold, and thus drew the ire of the table, only for a new threat to emerge in the final turn – in one case the new threat came out victorious while in the other it came up just short but both times it created a thrilling final act for the game!
Take for example my recent game. I was pulling ahead as the Protestant player and that meant that the Papacy and the Hapsburg player had to try and curtail my advancement. The papacy could try to reduce the reach of my religious conversions while the Hapsburgs could take electorates from me, netting them VPs and denying me ones. However, in doing this all attention turned away from England who chose then to launch a major invasion of France (who had left several cities largely undefended to pursue conquests in Italy), which saw them acquire VPs in spades while no one could stop them because they were only at war with France who was stuck in Italy!
A NOTE ON GAME SIZE
Here I Stand has a deserved reputation of being a game of enormous scale. This is both deserved and undeserved and I hope to explain why. Firstly, yes, Here I Stand requires six players. Do not be deceived by the box claiming it can be played at between two and six. This is a game destined to be a six-player experience and that is how I would recommend playing it.
As to its length, however, I have some thoughts. The full scenario is a day long experience, have no doubt about that. It lasts nine turns, and each turn will take you at least an hour to resolve, possibly quite a bit more. Even though there is a decent chance that your game won’t last all the way until turn nine, usually someone wins before then, it will still take many hours. It also won’t stop you from needing to put aside a full day to play the game, because even if you finish on turn seven you need to allow for the possibility of the full nine.
However, let me point you in the direction of the tournament scenario as an interesting alternative. In the tournament scenario you start the game in 1532, on turn four, and you play for three turns of the game. For my most recent game using this scenario we played for about five hours to resolve these three crucial turns during what would be the main scenario’s mid-game. I had worried that it would feel like a truncated experience, but honestly, I felt like it gave me most of what I love about Here I Stand in a much more manageable amount of time. I was really impressed, and I would recommend that people give it a shot – whether you are someone who wants to try this game but is struggling to find the time or if you’re a veteran who is always looking to play it more. It makes very few changes to the core game – players start with a few more cards on the first turn and on the final turn a key event is placed in the English player’s starting hand rather than shuffled into the deck – and gives you so much of that Here I Stand goodness in a half day experience.
That said, I won’t stop wanting to play the full scenario just because the tournament one is so good. There are a few elements that are missing from the tournament scenario and that will mean that I want to play both. In the early game, I missed the more antagonistic relationship between France and the Papacy of the 1517 start that isn’t present in 1532 – namely that the two are at war and France has invaded Italy. The tournament scenario also gives very few opportunities for dynastic change among the players which is an element of the game I really like. You will definitely see a new pope – in our game it happened immediately – and could potentially see a new English monarch or Protestant leader but neither is very likely. These rules don’t necessarily create a radical shift in the game, but if you’re into Here I Stand for the historical narrative (and why else would you be playing it?) then you will be missing out on some of that grand scope the game provides by including dynastic change among its mechanics.
WHAT DOESN’T QUITE WORK
Okay, so I adore this game to the point of obsession, but I am not going to sit here and tell you that it is flawless. This has not stopped me from loving the game, but I must confess that the religious conflict mechanics are a little bit…eh. For context, there are two main ways that the Catholic and Protestant players can convert regions of the board to either of their religious beliefs. They can take actions that let them try and convert specific points on the board or they can engage in religious debates.
Let’s talk first about converting spaces. Converting a space is a contested roll between the Catholic and Protestant player. Whoever is attempting the conversion selects a space and then both players calculate their dice pool based on a variety of factors such as adjacent spaces, presence of troops who support that religion, adjacency of key religious figures, any card effects that are in play this round, etc. Once each player has a total number of dice, they roll looking for the highest single die. Highest result, with whoever wins ties changing over the game, succeeds and the space is either converted or remains the same. I really like this mechanic and it’s a lot of fun…if you’re one of the players involved. Only two players take this action, and the Protestant player will take it far more, sometimes resolving six or more attempts in one turn while everyone else sits around and waits. It’s very time consuming and can cause the game to drag, particularly if you’re not invested in the result. As the Protestant player in my most recent game I had a blast doing this, but I could see the rest of the table groan whenever I had a big turn coming where I was going to try and convert a lot of spaces. It’s a cool mechanic but eliciting this response in a six-player game is not ideal.
The debate rules I like quite a bit less. The Protestant and Catholic player can call debates between their two sides, and these can be used to convert large swaths of territory all in one go and potentially secure victory points by burning or denouncing the opposing debater. The debates themselves work a bit like combat, players get pools of dice and try to score “hits” by rolling fives and sixes on them, but with more steps used to determine who the two debaters will be rather than just knowing who the two armies are because they’re on the board. This mechanism is clearly central to the vision of the game’s design – the Protestant player’s home card (a card that is always available to them every turn) includes specific abilities for using Martin Luther in debates. That said, they have not played a very significant role in either of my games. The rules are complicated and there’s a non-zero chance that after all the steps involved in determining debaters and dice pools and such you will end up with a draw or a very minimal result. The promise of burning heretics at the stake lying sadly out of reach. The two religious factions also have a huge pool of potential debaters, many of whom have useful abilities for other parts of the game, and they can be overwhelming to keep track of. I can’t help but think the potential for them to die has bolstered their number creating the vast surplus of counters for the two players to track. Maybe as I play Here I Stand more I will find a new appreciation for the debate rules, but in a game that is so hard to get to the table it just doesn’t feel like the debate rules totally work. They’re not fundamentally broken or anything, but they feel off and, again, they also take up quite a bit of time and often only interest two of the players at a table of six.
These religion rules are something that was apparently significantly streamlined in Virgin Queen (the sequel to Here I Stand) and I am desperate to play it and see for myself. Tragically, Virgin Queen was already out of print back when I first played Here I Stand half a decade ago and there is still no clear timeline on a new edition going forward. Maybe some day I will decide to go mad and drop a stack of cash on one of the few copies available on the second-hand market, but until then I live in hope that GMT will finally reprint it.
TO CONCLUDE
Let’s be honest, Here I Stand is obviously not a game for everyone. It’s huge, it’s long, it has forty pages of rules, over a hundred cards, and don’t get me started on the many little counters with their own special rules you have to juggle. It’s nowhere near the most complicated game out there, it’s honestly middle of the road as far as card drive games go, but it is still a lot to take on board even before you start factoring in that a short game takes four to five hours. That all having been said, I feel confident saying that Here I Stand is one of my favourite games of all time. Nothing else I have played gives me the same feeling of excitement as it does. After each game I spend the next 24-36 hours buzzing with excitement at what I just experienced. It sucks you in to its historical sandbox and gives you the freedom to pull some levers while also helping to guide you into understanding even some of what was happening during a particularly chaotic period in European history. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But I love it, nonetheless.
If after reading this entire review you think that Here I Stand sounds like a dreadful way to spend an afternoon or day, then please do not waste that time with it. Do not let my love for this game convince you to try it if you don’t think you would enjoy it. However, if after reading all of this you think that Here I Stand sounds fascinating, then you must play it. Nothing else will give you this experience, you must seek it out. Either way, trust your gut and what it tells you about Here I Stand. Mine tells me it’s hungry for more.

~The day of The Mercenary Tournament~
-Stratensburg-
Every year it’s always the same. The mercenary Guild puts on a tournament and you might as well have canceled school for the day. Nobody shows up to class and the AIs don’t even punish them. What a waste of a day.
I looked around my classroom. “Empty like usual. I might as well watch the tournament.” I saw the door open, and to my surprise Alresi walked in. “Mr Malaise, what brings you here?”
“I would like to invite you to watch my mercenary group compete in the tournament.”
“Oh? Shouldn’t you be giving them a pep talk?”
“I already did. Are you going to watch or not?”
“Oh I suppose I will, since I have nothing better to do.”
-Alresi-
After inviting all of my teachers I headed to where the Mercenary Tournament would be held and got ready for the first event of the tournament which was dueling.
“Dueling is one on one fighting. But I am sure that you knew that dear reader.”
Upon arrival I headed to my team to get ready with them.
“No more hiding. Right?” “But of course that is a little ironic considering how I’m hiding behind a memory alteration spell.”
I had long since learned to ignore the whispers that now followed me. That being… Whatever was speaking and making me forget the words it said gave me chills, it felt like it was trying to drive me insane. I had even begun to remember random words that it said. It was only recently that I began to remember phrases. Remember might be the wrong word, it was more like I just didn’t forget? No one heard it or acknowledged it, no one even noticed it but me… except for Mali. Maybe…
I shook my head to try and get rid of the treacherous thoughts that followed that path of thought to focus on the task at hand. Though focusing on the task at hand was getting harder and harder as my mental acuity and capacity seemed to be ever increasing, My visual acuity also seemed to be increasing as well. I had arrived at the prep area that had been designated for my team and saw Dravis playing cards with Falcres.
As soon as I stepped into the room Dravis looked up. “Grand Weaver, I see you have arrived safely. As to be expected of someone with your level of power.”
I sighed, “Look Dravis, I know you can talk, but could you please refrain from talking, it might get you, and by extension me, in trouble.”
“What? It’s okay for Raxlin to talk but not me?”
“Raxlin looks human, and not to mention she is usually assumed to be, by pretty much everyone that meets her, upon first look sentient and capable of speech. Whereas, you on the other hand look like a regular Arachnex, which are considered sentient but incapable of speaking.”
“I don’t see why it’s such a big deal, I keep quiet if there is someone not in our little club around, and I talk when there isn’t.”
“Please remain cautious when you’re on earth. There are cameras literally everywhere.” With that aside Raxlin’s scales turned beet red, which was her equivalent of a blush.
“Really? I haven’t seen any in this room.”
I had noticed where the cameras for this room were almost as soon as I entered and looked in their direction, I pointed one of them out. Everyone looked at where I pointed.
Slavix sounded unimpressed as she said, “Anyone would put a camera there, it is a rather obvious spot, but I don’t see one.”
“Wait, you guys can’t see them?”
Slavix asked “There’s actually a camera there?” with some surprise in her voice.
Falcres said “It doesn’t surprise me that there is one there, there’s only so many places where you could creatively hide a camera.” with an unamused tone in his voice.
“And there are only so many ways to give inflection to characters without sounding like a broken record.” “As time goes on, there is only so long that you can run from reality.” “(But you can’t keep running.)”
I tried to ignore the whispers that would undoubtedly cause my insanity. Besides, what was I supposed to do with this knowledge? I can run from reality, but I can’t keep running? What did that have to do with characters?
“Knowledge is a burden, ignorance is bliss. Keep learning little one, and you will see things beyond your wildest dreams.”
I pretended not to hear it, and continued with my preparations.
“Do you dare to dream? Do you dare to create?”
A different voice spoke this time. “Leave now before I remove you from this plane. You are disrupting this story.”
I heard everything it said clearly. But I didn’t care, I couldn’t, if I wanted to retain my sanity.
I heard Raxlin’s voice seemingly coming from a long distance even though I knew she had rushed over to me, “Alresi, Are you ok? You’re pale, sweating and hyperventilating. If you need any help let me know.” I knew that she cared about me, but I had shut her out of my mind, no one but me needed to bear the weight of this burden of voices.
-Balish-
Me and my team had prepared for this moment for a long time, this time we would win the tournament. Last year we got 2nd place and were just a few points behind first place.
I looked around, when I had stopped my eyes were resting on Isaac who was polishing his Construct Weapon, sometimes Isaac’s Construct Weapon was a spear, other times it was a sword, a dagger or on rare occasions a scythe, I had even seen it turn into some kind of handgun.
He called it Balkavish, and it could speak, not only was it a weapon that could transform, it was a sentient weapon that could transform. Some called them Metal Spirits, but I knew that it was different than that, they were called Construct Weapons for a reason.
They were bound to a single person on creation or at a later time, most all of them were made from multiple weapons that were bound into a sort of frame, this frame was also the main body of the Construct Weapon, which is where its consciousness is housed, this Frame is called the Host.
Balkavish’s Host was floating beside Isaac and looked like an orb with interlocking parts attached to it; the orb acted as both a sort of eye and the core processing unit. Certainly not the most common design for a Host, while also not being particularly rare, but it suited Balkavish well. I had spoken with Balkavish before, and while it wasn’t unpleasant, Balkavish, while they were extremely intelligent compared to the average human, being some kind of AI, they were not the most engaging of conversation partners.
-Alresi-
Now that I had everything under control I was no longer hyperventilating or sweating.
I looked around to find that everyone was staring at me
Falcres spoke first, and broke the silence, “You look like you just had a panic attack, but there’s nothing to worry about right now, we’ll stomp the competition and then leave as the victors.”
I shook my head, “I was thinking about other problems.”
Slavix spoke up “You have seemingly been preoccupied with these other problems on an increasing frequency since the hunt that we had on Thasolones. Raxlin, you have said that you two can communicate telepathically with Alresi, what’s going on?”
She shook her head, “Usually I can but Alresi has been keeping me from communicating with him.”
Slavix turned to Molchen, “What about you?”
Molchen shrugged about as much as a spider could, “I’ve got nothing.”
At this point I knew that they knew that something was going on. I spoke as confidently as I could, “I promise you that this is not a big deal.”
I apparently did not speak confidently enough. Raxlin stated, “And if you have a panic attack while we are fighting something dangerous?”
It was like I had been cursed, and I had no idea how to get rid of this curse.
Then I remembered something that Mali had said.
I em p t i e d m y m i n d.
T h e n t h e p i e c e s f e l l into place. They were beings that were ancient and powerful. While I had been slowly losing my mind, I had been observing these beings, the only way to get them to go away was to listen to them it seemed. I thought back to what the first one said… “No more hiding. Right?” I guessed it was about damn time. I was also weary of the strange looks that people gave me, if they looked at my mercenary record I would be seen as a prodigy, but they probably wondered why I associated with my team when I could get a profitable offer from some big name mercenary group. Well soon enough they would see the answer. The only question left about these mind flaying non entities was why they wanted me to do any of the things they asked. I would ask Mali about it soon.
I walked over to the window that was in our waiting area. As I looked out, I saw the arena that we would be competing in. I also saw the windows for the other team’s waiting areas. I felt a hand come to a rest on my shoulder. Then I heard Raxlin’s voice.
“Whatever it is you are going through, we’re here for you. You taught us how to work as a team, so why should this be any different?”
I sighed. “I’ve been hearing voices that no one else hears except for Mali. Hearing them is not exactly the best thing for my sanity is all that there is to this.”
“Promise me that you’ll be okay.” I heard Raxlin say, almost in a whisper.
“I promise.”
With that Raxlin squeezed my shoulder and walked up beside me. “Is there anyone we should be worried about?”
“For the most part we could probably take a team on each, and if any of us starts to have trouble, then we start working together. If we take every team that we go against down too fast they will think that we’re cheating… and it would not be a good show for the people that are watching.”
“Right, like putting on a good show is something we should be worried about. We should focus on winning.”
“If we put on a good show, we will win more than just the prize money, we will also show that we are competent, and if people see us fight together they will want to hire us, which means that we get to set the price to hire us.”
“And if we put on a show of how genuinely horrific your abilities are in comparison to regular humans?”
“There will still be people who want to hire us. Just less people.”
Then I received the signal that our team would be competing in the first round of the first event.
The dueling event would be via Elimination style, and also would be point based.
Because I was the most renowned member of our mercenary group and also the one who was seen as the strongest, I decided to be the last line of defense against us losing, which would likely be seen as intentionally throwing the dueling event. The dueling event was point based specifically to ensure that the strongest member of any team would need to be first.
Which is why I decided to have Slavix go first, she had improved the most, and was best suited for this. Pretty much everyone already knew what her abilities were at this point but hardly anybody knew about the rest of our team’s true capabilities. So by having Slavix go first we eliminated the possibility of our trump cards being revealed.
While pretty much everybody knew about Slavix’s Esper Ability, they did not know exactly how much she had improved. In fact, I had a suspicion that people were going to think that she had not improved at all since the last time she had competed in this tournament.
What happened next was not surprising considering the circumstances. Her first opponent started talking before the match had even started.
“I don’t like hurting those that can’t defend themselves but I will hurt you if you don’t surrender.”
Slavix didn't even flinch at the suggestion that she was defenseless, she instead stated: “Who said that I would be the one getting hurt?”
The fight began shortly after the exchange, Slavix used one of her newer techniques as a statement of force. [Fire Prison] was rather effective in that regard, as Slavix’s opponent was now trapped within it. Slavix’s Flames were no longer a dull red as they once had been when she entered the tournament the first time, they were now a bright white.
“What? No, I don't believe that you created these flames.”
Slavix simply raised a brow, before increasing the heat with a hand gesture, not that the hand gesture was needed, it just makes it look like she is the one doing it. As she performed the hand gesture the flames changed from the bright white to a bright blue.
“Okay, Fine I surrender.”
The first thing about Slavix’s ability that she had trained, and this was before she even joined our mercenary group, was endurance, given her fighting style of trying to end fights quickly, you would naturally doubt me, but when I asked her about it she said “What good is power if you lack the reserves to sustain it. As to why I try to end fights quickly, prolonged fights, while they will help you get better at fighting, will ultimately be your downfall if you run out of energy.”
Once Slavix reached a plateau with her endurance training she started training to maximize the rate at which she could put out power, all the while keeping up with endurance training. This allowed her to end fights quickly and need to use less power as a result. Only after joining up with us did she reach a plateau with output training. She could use explosive bursts of power for extended periods of time, but had trouble controlling them. So she started to learn how to better control her power.
Slavix’s next combatant was a Raxi, which was not all that surprising considering that they had excellent defense against almost all attacks, and that they had extremely good relations with humans. I also could not tell if the Raxi was a he or a she, not that it mattered.
Her next opponent had decided that talking before an inevitable fight was for wimps, which was something that Slavix agreed on. As soon as the match started they rushed her, which was exactly what Slavix expected them to do. Instead of just getting closer uninjured, like her opponent expected, they ran face first into a wall of blue fire. Not that the wall stopped them, it just left them confused and rather crispy on the outside. But because the Raxi did not yield, Slavix had to do more to ensure her victory. But while Raxi had hard shells, even they could not stand lack of oxygen for long periods of time. Slavix encased the Raxi in an orb of fire, the fire’s color a medium orange, while the fire was not hot, it did burn up all the oxygen in the area. The Raxi did run out of the arena causing it to be disqualified. Though gauging by the speed at which the Raxi left the arena, it probably also inhaled some of the fire as well.
while this chapter seems unfinished it is not.
I'll also probably be moving to royal road soonish.
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Hi all,
I just want to ask if anyone has observed certain in-game physics that are behaving abnormally due to the 60 FPS and/or DynamicFps++ mods.
I remember back in the early days of CEMU/BOTW, the in-game physics was broken at anything north of 30 FPS (flow of water, arrow vertical travel height, etc.).
The reason I'm asking is because I'm at the Eventide Island gliding puzzle, and I noticed for the first time that the glider tends to dive and/or lose speed faster when there is no fan/rocket attached to the glider.
I don't see this issue most of the time because I use the rocket/fan powered version via autobuild, and when I was using gliders on their own, it was either at sky island (where there is significant height to recover the drop) and/or in shrines where I had fans to cross long distance.
If this is an observable issue, we might want to update Chuck and SomeRandomPeople that these may be an ongoing issue. I did not see this being an identified issue on SomeRandomPeople or Chuck's latest patch notes, so I want to check whether I am observing an isolated case (just me), or this is a known issue.

Warning, wall of text incoming.
Hi everyone.
I’m having a problem and I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this before. Before I get to the problem you should know some background about me. I grew up Catholic. I believed wholeheartedly in God. I got confirmed in the Catholic church at 17, believed in transubstantiation (the belief that the communion wafers and wine literally turn into Jesus’ flesh and blood), went to confession, etc. Basically I wanted to be the best Catholic I could be.
When I left home for college I carried my faith with me, including the bigoted views towards the LGBTQ community and women. Being Catholic was part of my identity. It wasn’t until my first year out of college that I started to critically examine my faith.
The thing that got me to start questioning was “why aren’t my prayers ever answered?” I started looking into skeptics’ arguments and found they made way more sense than the Catholic viewpoints I’d held for so long. Within a week I was completely deconverted. I had a new identity. I was now an atheist.
I got really into science and the scientific method, skepticism, and learned how to think critically. I dropped my bigoted views and became an ally to the LGBTQ community and a feminist. Not only was I a better person, I was happier than I had ever been in my life. Not believing in God was so liberating. I didn’t have to be hateful or dogmatic anymore. I’ve been an atheist for the past ten years.
Now onto the problem I’m facing.
My wife and I were going out of state last weekend to visit family. While my wife was driving I was looking up biblical prophecies. For my own knowledge but also to prepare for the religious onslaught I knew my family was going to throw at me. I was expecting every prophecy to have failed. But to my surprise there is a prophecy in Isaiah that predicts the Messiah would be from Bethlehem. Two of the gospels claim that Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Isaiah was written in like 700 BCE, way before the gospels.
As soon as I read a single fulfilled prophecy I felt religious again. I know the gospels were written decades after Jesus’ death. I know none of the writers were eyewitnesses. I know that the writers and their motives are unknown. I know that the writers of the gospels could be lying or mistaken. I know the stories of miracles in the gospels are absurd. Despite all of these facts I feel a tug inside me to return to my Catholic faith. I wonder if a small thing, like a single fulfilled prophecy amongst dozens of failed or vague ones, can make me reconsider being an atheist, is it God trying to call me back? It’s like I feel in my bones that the god of the Bible is real. And it's scaring me, it’s confusing and I feel like shouting “why is this happening to me!”
I don’t want to return to my religion. I’ve been happier and more free without it bearing down on me like a weight. I’m a better person and I’ve learned to examine things critically. I’ve actually been reasonable for the past ten years. I’ve amassed so much knowledge of the Earth and universe rather than dismissing it as “God just made it that way.” I feel like I’m losing my identity. I don’t want to be religious!
Has anyone else with a religious background ever felt anything like this? If so, did you return to atheism or go back to your religion? If you remained atheist how long did the religious feeling last?
One other thing I should note is that I have a cancerous tumor in the left frontal lobe of my brain. It was removed in 2018 but has since returned. I’ve finished radiation therapy and am doing chemotherapy right now. The tumor has never made me susceptible to religious thinking before. I wonder if the damage to my brain from the radiation treatment is to blame? Just a thought. I don't really know anything about the brain. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any advice!

Preface:
I am a huge Lord of the Rings fan; I re-read the books typically once a year. I also adore the movies, and find all of Tolkien's legendarium absolutely awesome. Truly one of my favorite hobbies so I'd like to offer some critiques and excitement of flavor gems from Tales of Middle Earth. I won't do every card, but I'll comment on some individual cards and how WOTC did on it. I will comment on the cards abilities but only insofar as it impacts the flavor; i.e. what the card is doing not power level, etc.
To be clear: I understand there are sacrifices you need to make for the greater game, and sometimes those come first. For these articles: I am looking at each card in a vacuum, so if I seem harsh it's because I am using a single lens.
Next up: Gimli & Legolas, Counter of Kills!
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The Gilmi Card
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The Legolas card
Preface
OK this clearly comes from the Battle of Helms Deep where Legolas and Gimli engage in a charming game where they count their kills. This is wonderfully done in the films, so it should be familiar to most. The friendly game is a way for Tolkien to show how the enmity between Elves and Dwarves is slowly fading through the friendship between Legolas & Gimli. In the beginning of the story: Gimli & Legolas hated each other, blaming the other side for the enmity between their races. Gandalf begs them to "at least be friends" and over time true friendship blooms between the two (in no small part, I might add, due to Galadriel who shows Gimli true compassion in Lothlorien which I hope is shown).
Colors
Gimli as mono-red, especially in this moment, is perfect. Battle is emotional and Gimli works hard to defend Helms Deep. Legolas as Green-Blue is....a struggle for me. I do not see Legolas, in particular, as blue at all. He is not learned nor a lore master and seems particularly uninterested in "perfection through knowledge" personally. I understand they had to bleed Elves into blue to make the colors work, but Legolas was not the best candidate.
Abilities
Gimli's ability is elegant, simple and to the point. Trample is fine, first strike might have worked OK, as this actually incentives people to not block Gimli (which means he is less likely to kill creatures himself). Legolas has reach, which is fine, and gets stronger as creatures die which is fine (even if the flavor is kinda meh: Legolas gets weaker as the battle goes on as he runs out of arrows). The scry ability puzzles me a bit; it does play into the blue side I guess, but I don't see it particularly fitting into the flavor.
Overall
This is a particularly famous scene so I'm glad they added it to the set. That being said: there are a lot of doubles, triples or more of each character and I think that's a touch tiresome. There are a lot of characters in Arda: they did not need to create 3 or four versions of each Fellowship character (and each antagonist). But that's my 2 cents.

I've been in a relationship with my lady for 7 1/2 years, and only the last 6 months or so have been bad. We have had a very strong relationship for the first 7 of those years, total head over heels for eachother the whole time. I recently fought and beat cancer through all of 2021, and spend most of 2022 traveling through my work, with her to pay off cancer bills. She supported us financially while we fought it, and took excellent care of me. When we traveled and i worked through 2022, we went back to having good times. We talked a lot about what happened and we both had some mental trauma from the severity it caused, but seemed to come out pretty good. In Dec of 2022, things changed. We moved to another major city, in another state so we could look at potentially setting roots and starting a family out there. At this point we have been engaged for a few years. Didn't get married bc of covid, then after that my cancer. In Dec I took a local job so I could be home every day and she was to look for a job as well. She never got one. While I make enough to survive on my own income in our home, we are pay check to paycheck and all it takes is being sick to put us way behind financially. If she went back to work, we could have a lot more wiggle room, and even go on vacations and travel to see family, and that was the plan. She hasn't even tried to get a job, and has just been lazing about the couch and watching copious amounts of TV and didn't do anything throughout the day. We discussed since the beginning of '23, for her to see a therapist, for her depression and anxiety, which is something she has fought before and comes in waves. This has been by far the worst it's been. There's medical bills that never seem to end so I often work 12 to 14hr days just to try to stay ontop of things, and she will not even put in an effort to find work to alleviate the stress on me. She's well aware of the financial burdens, I communicate everything and we've had over a dozen sit downs and serious talks where I've broken down crying because I don't know if my cancer had come back (still getting tests done, might be heading twords another round of cancer) and we need to try to stay ontop of bills and keep the lights on. Last time it took 6 months to get my first check from disability and my critical illness check, so I've been trying to stay ahead of things to prepare for the worst. She is 100% aware of what's happening, and I've tried to look for jobs with her and she just says it's not helping. I tried to look up therapists and make suggestions and she just says to leave it alone, and she's healing on her own. She's been on vacation for about 6 weeks now, went to go spend time at Disney world and stay with her folks. I am all for a vacation every once in a while bit this trip cost us little over 2,000, of which we didn't have. I ended up being put in a situation where if I don't pay for it, not only is she not going to go, neither is her, or her sister(of which, I eneded up paying for her sister's portion of the trip because she doesn't work). So I ended up putting everything on my credit card, and feel so bitter and resentful of this. Her family hates me, and I'm paying for a trip we can't afford and also for someone who despises me (her sister). She's spent time afterward with her folks and I told her to stay there, and I need a break. I'm tired of coming home to getting stink eye, or occasionally getting yelled at for being out too long, or because she's in a bad mood. There's been times I've come home real grumpy because I worked a long day and to come home to just see her cozy on the couch and not having a care in the world, just iritates me. I want her to be happy and to have a good life, and one day she does want to be a stay at home wife, and I want that for her too, just once we are out of this terrible medical debt, and credit card debt that's been ran up because of living expenses while waiting for checks that didn't cover everything. Now that the threat of the cancer being back, and being in an even worse situation (financially) just makes me so scared, anxious and just makes me resent her for not doing more to prepare for a better future. We had a long talk about 2 weeks ago, about her coming back home from her vacation and her going to work, and seeing a therapist and long story short, she said she's not going to do it, she's going to go back to work when she feels better, and isn't going to see a therapist because they're just going to confirm she has depression, and anxiety, and says just going to see one will give her panic attacks. She stopped venting to me long ago, won't take any advice or suggestions and any time I talk about getting help she just ignores me until I'm done talking. I feel like I'm done. I told her if she doesn't want to get help, and go back to work, for her to stay with her parents and I will pay for her student loans and cc and such for another month and after that she's on her own. I told her how much it upset me for her to go on a vacation when we couldn't afford it, and to pay for someone who hates me, and that all these things eat at me a lot and I'm honestly at the point where I think im done. She now says she will go back to work, and will repay all the months of not contributing and will repay me for the disney trip, and will start going to church with me and the gym and a few other things that I love doing, but she doesn't and said when she comes back she will show me how much she cares and says this is just a hiccup and this is what she needed to wake up. Out of all that, honestly I got upset. I was angry that I told her I'm done with the relationship, and it feels like she's taken away that power, and said she's coming back anyways. I feel like I should be overjoyed that she would correct all the things that need to be taken care of, but I feel emotionally and mentally, I've already detached. It's not something I've taken lightly, but I just don't want to put up with it anymore. I honestly don't believe she will start going to work and see a therapist and start contributing. I believe that she believes she will, but shes not proactive and even with these last 2 weeks of her saying she's going to so all of these things, she hasn't gotten anything done. I sent her telehealth therapist websites and told her I would pay for them and theres just push back. Same with places to work, just push back. I thought for a while about it and told her if she's to come back home, she needs to have a job by the end of the first week of her being back ( she doesn't have a specialty, just wants to work at a liquorstore/bakery/hobby place) and all of those places are hiring like crazy in our area. She's being very picky about where to go and to make up half of our base living expenses, she's going to have to work a lot, more than 40hrs unless she finds another type of work, and she doesn't want to do either of those things. I honestly don't think she's going change her life style to help better our situation, and if she does, I think it will only be very temporary. Therapy is still something she's pushing against, but has accepted it and says she will start going once she gets home. I have already begun therapy through my church and meeting up with the elders and pastors, and it's helped ease my mind and has helped my spiritual being. At this point, I still don't know if I want her to come home, because if things don't work out, I don't want a huge fight to break out and I have a strong feeling that's what's going to happen. My inner circle of friends, and family are split about 50/50, of me being patient with her and giving it one more go and seeing if she will change, and the other half doesn't want me to give her the chance, and hates that she has taken advantage of me so much and thinks she's had enough chances. I feel like if I didn't give her one more chance to fix things, I would leave the relationship with regret. The other small detail is that if I have to undergo chemo again, my disability checks will only just barely cover my living expenses, not enough for a second person. I'm afraid if I let her back into my life, she won't change, and will try to live off of me and my checks, just hoping to survive off of credit cards. Mentally I feel I've checked out. What questions can I ask her and myself to determine the best way to move forward, either together or separately?
TLDR girlfriend won't see therapist for depression, anxiety and panic attacks, won't work and my cancer might be back.